Old Ghosts

I am not claiming to be brave. I get scared. I am terrified of having an aneurysm on the subway, of never achieving my goals, of getting hit by a car, of not being loved. And honestly, of Zombies. But I am not afraid of the dark, of water, of heights, or of the woods. The ghosts are not going to get me there. That's where I go for safety. It's my get-away plan. I do not understand the concept of messing with people, of haunting them. Maybe I am not bold enough, not brave enough. But really, where is the satisfaction in that? I love getting the last word, don't get me wrong. Dragging things out no longer appeals to me. Go towards the light, little ghosts. Leave this place. And rest in peace.

A quote from "Portnoy's Complaint"

"'Don't you see what my life is? You think I like being nobody? You think I'm crazy about my hollow life? I hate it! I hate New York! I don't ever want to go back to that sewer! I want to live in Vermont, Commissioner! I want to live in Vermont with you - and be an adult, whatever the he'll that is! I want to be Mrs. Somebody-I-Can-Look-Up-To. And Admire! And Listen To!'" -Philip Roth

Lil' Bugs

The driftwood is warm.
Almost hot.
On second thought, I kick it.
Lil' bugs go running not to the sand, but around to the other side.
It's high tide, this wood has just arrived, and it's already a warm home for someone.  someones.
I disrupted things.
I am their hurricane, earthquake, Godzilla.
The waves are rising.
The driftwood is rocking in the sand.
Red, brown, grey.
The sun is setting and I am not alone.
Lil' bugs are living their lives.

The Moral Hangover

A fantastic phrase. I wish I could take credit.  I know that one of my wittier friends came up with it, and, friend, if you are reading this, please remind me that you were the one to coin the phrase "moral hangover" as well as it's definition.
This is my struggle.  I second guess most decisions and regret much of the past. Here's the thing, I am a good person.  I do not speak poorly of my friends.  Ever.  I love my family and am a natural caretaker.  But when someone accuses me of an unkind action or gets the wrong impression, I second guess myself over and over again.
And truthfully, we don't always know how what we say are going to be perceived, do we?  I may go into a situation with the best intentions only to find that I stuck my nose where it did not belong or said something with the incorrect intonation, making it sound sarcastic or insincere.
I am no saint.   This is not what I claim.  That's laughable.  I have made mistakes. Many.
Here is the moral hangover: I am unable to forgive myself for things I have done when I was a child. 
I remember a childhood friend of mine who told me I was a bully.  What?!   And at the time I pondered over what I had done to him to make him say that...
Days and nights.
And then it hit me: as a joke while in the woods with our buddies, I told him to stick his head in the water to see if there were any leeches.  I didn't actually want him to do that, of course.  I don't even know why I said it. I do know what I felt when it happened.  I felt happy to be in the woods with my fun friends. 
As an adult, I can see how that was mean.  At the time, I just wasn't thinking.  I was playing.  I adored this friend of mine, and to this day I still feel terrible that I made him feel like an outcast, a victim.
Oh moral hangover, why must you last so long.
The reason I bring this up now: because my moral hangovers are heavy and abundant, I am reliving the past, recent and ancient. I comb through what may have happened that I missed....something I should not have done or said. And what gets me is this: I actually keep messing up!  I miss the mark, hurt feelings, put my foot in my mouth.  When it comes to my attention, the guilt is overwhelming.
This makes it very hard to grow up.
So, please forgive me? I betcha I didn't mean it!