Over the years and tough lessons, I have become an honest person. When I was a child, including my teenage years, I was concerned with how I was perceived to a fault. Therefore, I lied about who I was in order to make a better impression. This backfired of course, and I am smart enough to learn from my mistakes. I guess this makes me an adult in some regard.
I have a friend who, during a moral hangover, told me that all I can do is "be the best Liz I can be." (Thank you, Thor, I think of that often. It is a theme.)
Maybe I have also become less judgmental. I guess this has to do with a lack of jealousy and being more comfortable in my own skin. People judge for different reasons. I cannot grasp it.
Here is the thing: I try to save people's feelings. Not jerk faced strangers who cut in front of me in line. Screw them. I live in New York City. They get a firm talking too. I am coldly honest to those I despise.
There are people out there who I care about just a little bit. These are the people whose numbers are not in my phone, who may possibly know me on Facebook, who will probably never read this excuse for a blog, and that is perfectly okay. I may chose to tell little whites to these people. It protects their feelings and hurts no one.
Fictional example: I am in a bar one night, and a person I care about a little bit comes in emotional and drunk. They fall down. Witnesses laugh. The drunk emotional person is unhurt physically, they pull themselves together, they go home. The drunk person has had a negative experience, everyone else is unscathed.
The next time I see them they are apologetic and embarrassed. They ask questions. It took courage for them to step back into the bar, and they hope that they are able to come back without being labeled "The person who fell down while crying."
I tell them that it wasn't a big deal (truth). I tell them that no one even remembers that happening (little white.)
I remember, and my friend at the end of the bar brought it up the other day.
The reason for the little white is to protect. The person I care about a little bit has been beating themselves up. The embarrassment is so thick I can see it like a mask on their face. It is kindness to tell this little white. It begins the healing process.
The people I care about a lot get the honesty. But unlike the jerk strangers, it does not have to be cold and dark because they are good people. They certainly see me and my flaws, but they know I am just trying to be the best Liz I can be. We have discussions. We talk about grey areas and we clear up the mucky stuff.
I am surprised when people I care about a lot do not see the difference. I am surprised when they are comfortable in the muck.
I am touched and grateful when they know how hard I am trying to live my life honestly and kindly.
Judgement between friends can be hurtful.
Next time this happens, I want the judgmental friends to think about how it affects them personally. If it does not, they should reevaluate.
Also, friends, try to remember that I am trying to be the best Liz I can be. I struggle with the grey areas everyday, but usually I would choose to take the same path if I were to do it again. And often times, it was uncomfortable for me the first time. It would be nice to never even touch the muck.
Yet, this path was protective, little and white to some, but purely honest to the ones that matter.
And the ones that matter should understand.
Thank you to those who do.
