It is time to reflect.
I am feeling sort-of positive. And somewhat negative...but only about two particular things:
money.
identity.
The positive stuff is great....which is what makes it positive in the first place. I just got married. Everything went very well after stressing over the what ifs. I am attempting to learn a lesson from that. A overwhelming downfall of mine, a trait that leads to panic attacks, is worry. I worry about everything. I am nervous almost constantly. My stomach is full of butterflies and my heart races a few times a day. Some days are worse. There are triggers:
not sleeping.
too much caffeine.
lack of money.
lack of time.
too much time.
hangovers.
lack of excersize.
driving in intense traffic.
being on a crowded subway.
being too hungry or thirsty.
So, in a nutshell, if I get a good night sleep and have only a cup and a half of coffee and the mail brings a handy surprise residual check and I have some work to do, but not too much work, and I have enough time to go on a long walk with the dogs after I visit the gym, and I was healthy the night before so I am feeling hydrated and I have fruit and veggies in the fridge that I can nibble on all day guilt-free, and though the work I am doing involves memorizing lines for an awesome job, I do not have to get on the subway that day and my car is parked in a reliable spot....
then I can almost be certain that I will not have a panic attack.
Can you see where I am going with this?
"A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one." -Shakespeare
What was the point in worrying about my wedding for the past hundred days? It was perfect. It was better than I had hoped. I am now happily married, and I feel more solid in my friendships and family. The check did not bounce and the weather held.
I am pretty sure I did not get more than 5 hours of sleep each night all summer.
If I just let things happen a little....
Fighting for control is futile when it comes to things like storm clouds.
Worry worry worry.
I could have just been excited for my wedding.
I WAS excited for my wedding, but I could have been sleeping at night and bright during the day. I did not need to talk myself into thinking I was seeing double while I imagined smelling burnt toast. I do not need this. That.
I will die a death. One big old day will end it all. Time will speed by and stuff will happen to me. It'll be bad. It will be good. I cannot keep dying all these little deaths everyday because things are out of my control.
What I can do is try my best to learn the lessons life hands me, and move forward towards a future a little less fearful.
Fearlessly? That's doubtful.
But possibly obtainable.
