A Thousand Deaths

It is time to reflect.
I am feeling sort-of positive.  And somewhat negative...but only about two particular things:

money.
identity.

The positive stuff is great....which is what makes it positive in the first place.  I just got married.  Everything went very well after stressing over the what ifs.  I am attempting to learn a lesson from that.  A overwhelming downfall of mine, a trait that leads to panic attacks, is worry.  I worry about everything.  I am nervous almost constantly.  My stomach is full of butterflies and my heart races a few times a day. Some days are worse.  There are triggers:

not sleeping.
too much caffeine.
lack of money.
lack of time.
too much time.
hangovers.
lack of excersize.
driving in intense traffic.
being on a crowded subway.
being too hungry or thirsty.

So, in a nutshell, if I get a good night sleep and have only a cup and a half of coffee and the mail brings a handy surprise residual check and I have some work to do, but not too much work, and I have enough time to go on a long walk with the dogs after I visit the gym, and I was healthy the night before so I am feeling hydrated and I have fruit and veggies in the fridge that I can nibble on all day guilt-free, and though the work I am doing involves memorizing lines for an awesome job, I do not have to get on the subway that day and my car is parked in a reliable spot....

then I can almost be certain that I will not have a panic attack.

Can you see where I am going with this?

"A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one." -Shakespeare

What was the point in worrying about my wedding for the past hundred days?  It was perfect.  It was better than I had hoped.  I am now happily married, and I feel more solid in my friendships and family.  The check did not bounce and the weather held. 

I am pretty sure I did not get more than 5 hours of sleep each night all summer.

If I just let things happen a little....
Fighting for control is futile when it comes to things like storm clouds.
Worry worry worry.

I could have just been excited for my wedding. 
I WAS excited for my wedding, but I could have been sleeping at night and bright during the day.  I did not need to talk myself into thinking I was seeing double while I imagined smelling burnt toast. I do not need this. That.

I will die a death.  One big old day will end it all.  Time will speed by and stuff will happen to me. It'll be bad.  It will be good.  I cannot keep dying all these little deaths everyday because things are out of my control.

What I can do is try my best to learn the lessons life hands me, and move forward towards a future a little less fearful.

Fearlessly?  That's doubtful. 
But possibly obtainable.

"Discovering a New Fear, a Conversation"

Woman: I've discovered a new fear.

Man: What's that?

Woman: The fear of turning off the TV.

Man: Okay.  I get it.  I'll turn off the TV.

Woman: It is even on when it's on mute and I'm in the the shower and you're working on your computer.

Man: Okay, turn it off.  We'll listen to music or something.

Woman: No, see, now your think I'm attacking you.  That's not what I was doing.  I keep the TV on all the  time.  When you are not here, the TV is still on.  I keep it on when I walk the dog for Christ Sake. When I turn it off it's a bold decision.  I turn it on (snap) just like that....the minute I walk through the door.

What am I afraid of?

Man: I don't think it's a fear thing.  It's a habit.  A bad habit.

Woman: I've thought about this.  It's not like a fear of being along.  I love being alone in the quiet sometimes....often actually.

Man: So you want me to leave you alone.

Woman: That is not what I'm saying.  What I meant was....usually when I am in a situation where I find myself alone in the quiet, I think it's peaceful and nice.

Man: Hippie

Woman: Okay.  It must be a fear.  It's compulsive.....and my default emotion IS fear.  My compulsion to keep a background running at all times is my immediate way of keeping the fear at bay.
But what am I afraid of?
Turning the TV off?
The silence I cherish?
Getting actual true artistic thoughtful work done?  Committing to that?
...Oh shit.

Man:....What?

Woman: Am I afraid to actually get work done?  Like, real true to life true to art work?  Am I just delaying my fear of that failure?  Of failing at the thing I have wanted my whole life?

Man: I think you're just lazy.