Turning Off the Cold

I love living in New York City when it first snows.  Last night I walked.  The neighborhood was closer to quiet.  I realized how many street lights there are on my block.  They reflected tiny little specks of snow.  It looked like someone had thrown white glitter everywhere.  I forgot about the cold and made a wish that the snow could stay this pure for just a little while longer.

Everything is fleeting.

I am tired of being a child.  I am coming to terms with the fact that it's not about being child-like, it's about being childish.  I will never lose my appreciation for snow and sparkles; I like that about myself.

I have a ring on my finger.  It's beautiful.  If I shaved it down I could put white glitter everywhere.

I love what it represents.  This makes me feel something greater than happiness.  I am lucky.

It's a story being told about somebody else.  I can't grip it's reality.  I am pretending to be an adult and plan a wedding.  I mean, I am doing this, but I don't know how to do anything. It's highlighting how many things I do not know how to do.

I am not stressing about this wedding or anything.  I plan on doing things simply, and I am not someone who worries about the details.  That isn't what this is about.  Don't worry friends, I will make this process fun.  One of my strengths is the ability to turn anything into a game.

I am coming to terms with the fact that many people do not take me seriously.  I have fought with this my whole life.  Maybe I am too sensitive about it, but only because I know it's true.  Thankfully,  my husband to be takes me seriously.  He knows I am smart and encourages me to follow through on all of my crazy schemes.  He thinks someday I will be who I want to be, and he likes me the way I am now. 

Myself? I am not so sure.

All of this: playing pretend within reality, turning most things into a game, not being taken seriously....

I am going to attempt something new.  I am so tired of fighting.  Fighting is childish.

Maybe I can actually become more of an adult if I can recognize that there is strength in my shortcomings. Maybe I can think of my clumsiness as comedy, my game playing as charm, my ability to pretend as practice. 

I could use some practice.

And possibly, if I turn that switch in my own head and look at myself differently instead of trying to change who I am, possibly I can be taken seriously.  Because not every adult can turn off the cold and see the sparkles in the snow.