Explaining the Cleanse

I have no will power.  This has always been an issue for me.

I am currently putting myself through a raw food cleanse.  People keep saying "good for you."  Not good for me.  All I want is pizza, and no one who complains this much should be congratulated.

I am doing this because I want to go to Mexico without guilt and with confidence.

Part of me thought that I would get some clarity from eating healthier.  I do have clearer senses.  My sense of smell is much stronger.  The discarded Christmas trees on the curb are perfectly overwhelming. 

But I feel the same amount of crazy.

An ex-boyfriend of mine told me that I should go on anti-depressants.  I laughed.  I am an optimistic, positive, energized person.  I have a love of life and all things living.  One of my favorite things is to go into the world and look at the beauty.  It's free for the taking.

Also, this was coming from an overly self-medicated person who didn't witness daylight on the weekends.  I was not going to hear about my mental health from this particular dime store psychologist. 

Then I read this book.  Okay, full honestly: I read part of this book.  The book was given to me by my current boyfriend and recommended by his lovely ex-girlfriend (I actually mean that truthfully.  She is lovely and I adore her.)  It was supposed to help me with my anxiety issues.

The book did help.  It made me realize that not everyone worries this much or carries around guilt like it's going to redeem any wrongdoing.  It also made me realize that not everyone automatically assumes that they have made an ass of themselves when meeting someone new or talking to a group of people. 

I do that.  I am confessing something here.  I feel ashamed to admit it, like maybe you won't like me anymore. But it is true.  If we are friends, or even if we have just met a few times, I have felt insecure either with you or after being with you.

It haunts me.  I coach myself. 

-I try to think of things another way: "remember when you said that silly thing and everyone  laughed?" 

-And then the rebuttal: "but then you cut off your friend mid-sentence because you were too busy complaining about not being able to eat a whole pizza." 

Its a cycle. 

-Chin-up, Lightning! Ten good things are better than one bad!

-Stop calling yourself "Lightning."  You are the only one who appreciates it.

It's ridiculous.

The book helped.  I thought this was normal.  And I had to give the ex credit.  This cycle of doubt makes me sad. A lot.

Well, I am not on any anti-depressants, and I do feel pretty darn good most of the time.  I have problems feeling overwhelmed.  I have problems with anxiety. I will always have problems with willpower.

I have problems.

My head is full of positive thoughts.  It's pouring over with possibility.  I feel safe right now. The day was beautiful.  I ran through somehow wood-smoked air.  It smelled so good, and I am happy. Life feels good on me.

But I will publish this and the relief of sharing a bit of myself will turn into remorse. I will automatically feel absurdly judged and a little too human. 

Then I will go to Mexico in a week, cleansed physically, so I can feel positive about myself (in that regard.)