My Great Expectations

This I know now: If I do not state my expectation, it’s uncool for me to turn around and throw a fit.

When I was in college, I said things like “I should not have to explain why I am mad, they should know,” or “They should know better.” 

“Should” is a word that I am avoiding nowadays. It’s a controlling word and a word that is held up in past regret. “I should have done this,” or “They should do that,” are not helpful phrases. Nothing makes me feel like I’m being treated like a child more than someone telling me that I “should” have done something differently, as if my intent was to make the wrong choice.

Those who know me would not consider me to be an angry person. Those who know me well have seen the rage, sudden and unexpected, often followed by an unattractive smugness.

Actually, those who know me well and complete strangers…

In the past, if I held the door open for a stranger, and they neglected to say “Thank you,” I would snap sarcastically “You’re welcome!!!”

I sure showed those people a great side of my personality. 

This is the situation, I held the door open. No one asked me to do this. I probably held the door to be nice, and I could have continued to be nice. Instead, I essentially told them they should have thanked me. Rather egotistic of me, wouldn’t you say?

In the broader sense, Life does not owe me anything. I have to let go of the expectation that I deserve good things, that I should (there is that word) have great things happen to me. Karma should exist, but it doesn’t. Atleast, not in this life. Otherwise, life would be fair.

People do not owe me anything. Organizations do not owe me anything. Unless I have a written IOU, I need not expect anything…and honestly, IOU’s can be broken. 

Am I a pessimist now? No, that’s not it.

I’m happier without expectations. I may be smug in my anger, but I am not happy in that place. I am attempting to remove the word “should” from my vocabulary and recognize that no one is a mindreader. 

It’s freeing.

I open doors for strangers now simply to be helpful, not to hear the “thank you” I desperately think I deserve.